1st New Year’s Breakfast in Provost Hall (served 3pm to 6pm with black coffee and headaches pills).
2nd The Dean’s New Year’s Lecture (attendance is mandatory with the exception of those who have died more than forty-eight hours ago, please provide notice of death in your own handwriting ).
Note from the Dean’s office: Members of staff are reminded that suicide is not a good alternative to attendance, and those found to have killed themselves will face disciplinary measures.
3rd – 5th Rod Polishing Week, the traditional mucking out of the Departmental offices, which can include rubbish, letters of application, resignations, re-submissions and apologies, also staff who haven’t sobered up since Mithras Day.
Note from the Bursar’s office: uncorrected exam scripts thrown out by accident or design on Rod Polishing Week will be returned, all bins are checked, so stop it please.
6th The Greek Christmas Feast, a bill of fare of the finest traditional Greek dishes and alcohols (staff are reminded that since 1844 the tableware at Botolf has been enchanted and no matter how many times you break them they will continually reform, but this is not the case for the furniture, decorative windows or the Dean’s favourite hat).
7th The Greek Hangover Breakfast (unofficial), with lashings of soup and regret.
8th Return date of students.
10th -13th Actually return dates of students.
14th The Botolf (almost) Oxford Dragon Society’s Open Day (bring your own dragon).
15th Previous year’s Library Amnesty, any books not returned to the library by students and staff will result in summary execution (under the college rule of 1324), any velum manuscripts damaged will be repaired using the skin of the loanee.
Note from the Chief Liberian: all books on erotic practices that are ‘damaged’ must be replaced at the student’s/staff member’s own expense, laminated copies welcome.
18th The Botolf Winter Cheese Run, students are reminded that this run is tradition and not a competition, students caught supergluing cheese to body parts (their own or other peoples) will be disqualified.
24th Gerrymandering Day: On this day, and this day only, students and staff may switch departments, offices, dormitory rooms or bodies at will. Students and staff are reminded that switches may be permanent, and please do remember what happened to Mister Geoff of the Military Failures Department who had to spent several years as Miss Geoff the Armadillo of the Military Failures Department before we could switch him back.
25th Founder’s Day, On this day every year the whole college celebrates the birthday of Lord Kallon, the founder of Botolf (almost) Oxford, who, at the Battle of Otterburn was reputed to have changed sides eleven times during the fighting, finally getting it right and ending up in the victorious English camp. Henry ‘Hotspur’ Percy recommended him personally to the King for his knighthood on the grounds that it was better to have a weasel in your pocket than up your trouser leg.
29th The Department of English-Like Studies presents Uglyography Seminar, where students are encouraged to improve their handwriting, spelling, grammar and manners.
Note from the Dean’s Office: attendance for the Uglyography Seminar is not mandatory but everyone has to show up.
2nd The College Sled Race & Marmot Day, this year the college Sled Race down Lost Cause Hill will be combined with Marmot Day, please remember to tie your marmot securely before setting off, any marmot or student that reaches the bottom of the hill will be given a Rosette and immediate medical attention.
Anyone with experience in making rosettes please report to Bursar (immediately).
6th Expedition to the Far Side of the Library sets off.
9th – 13th Department of Misunderstood Musical Memoirs Present
International Classical Music Week
The Nearly All Hungarian Deer Heart String Orchestra
Retired Kamikaze Pilot String Quintet (or possibly Quartet or Trio … or less)
The Agoraphobics Chamber Music Concert (this year held in broom closet no. 4, space is limited, book early)
The Botolf (almost) Oxford Grand Symphony Presents Mozart’s Lick My Arse in G-minor (adults only please, there will be signing for the deaf)
The Icelandic Soup Kitchen Cello Trio perform the greatest punk rock songs ever!
16th The Assassins Society AGM, Committee members’ none attendance will result in loss of breathing privileges. A new chairperson will be elected in the traditional throwing knife contest.
A reminder that our Society Motto is “Sed non iuvat, sed iungere interficere.”
18th Ice Cream for Breakfast Day.
Note from the House Master’s Office: Brains can be unfrozen in the college ovens but not in the lava vortex on the 4th floor, it will unfreeze a brain but will also melt a skull … you have been warned.
21st International Mother Language Day.
The following languages are not real and therefore not acceptable to be used on official college business on this day: Wookie, Klingon and French.
22nd Expected Return Date for Expedition to the Far Side of the Library.
23rd Memorial Service for Expedition to the Far Side of the Library.
28th Inter-departmental Sword Swallowing Contest.
Note from the Dean’s Office: Please remember you’re supposed to swallow the sword yourself, and that the trick is not in the swallowing but in the retracting and living afterward.
1st – 6th College Rag Week
Official Events from your Student Union
Monday: Freshers Ball, Tickets for the Freshers Ball are available from the Student Union Office on the 3rd floor, next to the Department of Medieval Thought (Staff over Ninety are ask not to attend, as the local ambulance service said they can’t make more than four trips in one night).
Tuesday: The Rag Week Charity Fun Run (please note no monies raised will go to an actual charity).
Wednesday: Rag Week Cross Dressing Day (Transvestite students and Mister Hazzard from the Department of Scripts, Scribes and Scribbles can wear men’s clothes on this day if they wish to participate).
Thursday: The Politics and Anthropology Societies present a series of Debates on the Social Contract between Man and Nature (which will take the usually form of a drinking and fighting contest).
Friday: The Traffic Light Disco, Red: In a relationship, Yellow: Open to suggestions, Green: Up for anything, Purple: Strictly Necrophilia.
Saturday: Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting (please write you name on the sign-up sheet posted for everyone to see in the Great Hall).
12th – 14th Festival of the Callipygian Nuns (you must be over eighty and incapable of an erection to attend).
15th – Crapulence Sunday.
17th Wastrel Wednesday & Pi Day. The Department Misappropriated Mathematics holds its annual academic conference (or Pi Day) … please note ‘Pie’ will not be served at any point.
19th Department of Poison, Potions and Pernicious Pot-roasts present Pound Cake Bake Sale to raise money for surviving Laboratory Rats (a Rat isn’t just for an Xmas Experiment, it’s for life).
25th Staff Outing.
Note from the Dean’s Office: All Lectures and Tutorials will be cancelled on this day … and some may be cancelled forever, students must still attend classes in our absence.
30th The Unusual Animals & Pets Society holds Adopt a Manatee Day (please note if you do adopt a Manatee you cannot keep it in your dorm room without the permission of your roommates or the Manatee).
1st Trumpery Thursday (which may not be on a Thursday), a day for playing practical jokes, particularly around food. Please read the guide to poisonous mushrooms in the library before adding any to the staff lunchtime soup.
4th Empurpling Day, make something or someone purple for the day (but please do not do so against their will).
7th Department of Greek Illogical Thought presents Lectures by People You Thought Were Dead, this year featuring Acheaus of Eretria, Euripides and Professor Tarquinii Hymens (head of the department from 1891 – 1914).
14th Look Up at the Sky Day (at Night).
Note from the Bursar’s office: Please do not use binoculars to look at the sun or into the bedrooms of nearby houses.
17th Bat Appreciation Day, most of the bats resident in the college are rare species, some are unique to Botolf (like the Long-eared Mocking Bat or the Fangless Vampire Neck Sucker) so spend the day familiarising yourself with the bats in your rooms (because unlike you, they are here to stay).
18th Love a Liberian Day.
Note from the Chief Liberian: Please do not ‘love me’ I hate being touched by humans.
24th Pig in a Blanket Day, the College Farm will be slaughtering several fatten pigs for the annual feast, this tradition is new to Botolf, very new, we started it last year when we had a glut of pigs, but we’re very keen to keep it going.
Please note that the blankets are not edible.
27th Administrative Amateurs Day.
28th The Hedgehog Society hold the annual Hug a Hog Event, followed by the annual Place a Plaster Event.
(please ask permission of Hogs before hugging them).
1st May Day Feast
The following May Day Game Fare will be served, depending on how hard they fight back against the Gamekeeper (who’s getting on a bit):
Squirrel, Lion, Scorpion (black only), Giant Rat, Jellyfish, Pigeon, (matured) Roadkill?, Opossum (without the O), Dove, Shark, Bull, Frog, Bullfrog & various Takeaways (place your order early).
2nd Annual Snallygaster Cull, the last Snallygaster successfully culled was in 1744, so please try harder people.
3rd Chasmophiles’ Anonymous Meeting, at the crack of dawn in the canteen.
8th Botolf Lemonade Day, each Department makes their own brand and flavour of lemonade and the winner will be judged by selected 1st Years (or deemed to be the winner with the most surviving students).
12th Limerick Contest in the Student Union, unless you are from ‘Nantucket’ there is to be no poems with that word it in.
14th The Astral Projection will be holding their AGM on the third moon of Jupiter, see you all there.
20th – 22nd Department of Military Failures will be Building Di Vinci’s Helicopter in the college workshop, extra hands are always welcomed and volunteer pilots are most welcomed (you don’t have to be mad to volunteer but in all honesty it would probably help).
23rd Giant Galapagos Turtle Race, there are only forty turtles in the college lake and some of them are eight hundred years old or more, so no more than one jockey per turtle please.
28th Fencing Society AGM and repairs to the college fences.
3rd – 14th End of Year Exams, all Departments will hold the college’s prescribed annual exams, A reminder that despite what some Professors say, students who fail exams are no longer birched or broken on the wheel. One student was poked in the eye last year, but that was an accident.
18th College Picnic, the staff college picnic will take place as usual on the croquet lawn, please do not use croquet mallets to open tuna tins, brazil nuts or interdepartmental warfare.
19th – 30th Official College Holidays, all departments will be closed, the library will be closed, the reading rooms will be closed and the Dean’s office is also closed … the staff and student canteen remain opened of course.
19th -30th Unofficial Summer Lecture Series, some departments will hold unofficial lectures during this time, this is to aid students who have fallen behind during the year and also to aid some of the more elderly professors who don’t realise it’s summer time.
29th -32nd Scurryfunge Weekend, All residents and staff are required to clean the college completely for the beginning of the new academic year.
Please note the 32nd of June as been added in by the Department of Temporal Inconsistences in order to give us an extra day’s cleaning … don’t waste it drinking.
3rd Repeat Exams (no actual exams will take place as there and no members of staff available to supervise, invigilate or mark …. Or care).
5th Forgetmeknotday …. Emmmmm.
8th Cow Counting, The Traditional College stock take, when all farm animals, game, game keepers, books, armour, weapons, staff, students, dead staff still claiming wages and mad cows are counted, logged and ignored for another year.
11th Indeedduddy Monday.
Note from the Dean’s office: We’re not sure what this involves but it’s been on the college calendar since 1455.
13th The Re-enactment Society re-enact the Battle of Botolf.
Note from the Dean’s office: This is a RE-ENACTMENT people! The number of casualties last year were ridiculous.
20th Widdershins Tuesday, Lectures will be given backwards, meals served in reverse order and bedtime will be at 12 Noon sharp.
23rd The Botolf Steeple Chase takes place between Buford and Biddleford, this race is for horses only and anyone caught using a Pegasus will be disqualified.
28th The July Summer Fruits Feast (due to unpopularity with staff now served with meat).
1st Augustus Day, observed by anyone who follows the ancient Roman religion, and no you cannot join for just one day to get out of lectures (especially if you’re the one giving the lectures).
3rd – 5th The Department of Scripts, Scribes and Scribbles presents Uglyography Workshops, learn how to make your handwriting illegible in just three days.
7th Feague Friday … this event has been cancelled permanently as animal welfare has deemed it illegal to place live eels in the rectum of horses (anyone wishing to place live eels in their own rectum to celebrate Feague Day are welcome to do so, we just don’t want to know about it).
17th Society Sign-up Day, the following societies are looking for new members:
The Self-Defence Club (no bullies please they terrify us)
The Cheese Lovers Society
The Cheese Haters Society
Cheese Addicts Anonymous
The Occult Club
The Dragon Society
The Assassins Society
The Politics Society
The Anthropology Society
The Ants Society
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Students
The Interesting Society
The More Interesting Society
The Uninterested Society
The History Club
The Club Club
The anti-Golf Society
3rd Welsh Rarebit Day, cheese, toast and ale sauce will be served in the Great Hall all day. You do not have to be Welsh to partake (but it helps).
4th Bring your Man-servant to College Day.
Note from the Dean’s Office: Students are reminded that this is purely a tradition and only butlers, valets and stewards are allowable, this means no more second-cousins, plumbers or ‘mates’ you met down the village pub.
11th – 13th Registration Days, First Years must pay all fees in advance, the college cannot accept cheques or credit cards but will accept cash, gold bullion and gold teeth.
17th Self Defence Club Meeting, Learn how to defend yourself against attacks by thugs, magically enhanced bugs and most types of dragons.
Declaimer: none of these techniques are designed to be used as self-defence.
18th – 25th Chrokingly Hours will be held between 2pm and 4pm, students taking part must fill their shoes with water only and any student found walking around with shoes filled with alcoholic substances will be disciplined.
26th Make your own Groaning Cheese Day.
29th The college proudly present the nine-hundredth and first Ultracrepidarians Lectures to be held in all halls throughout the college, those members of staff and the student body who wish to give a lecture on something they know nothing about must have signed up in the Dean’s office by the 20th.
Participants are reminded that lectures on world economics are not acceptable, as no one really knows anything about that.
9th St. Denis’s Day.
10th Hand of St. Denis’s Day.
14th The St Callistus Day Lectures from the Department of Poison, Potions and Pernicious Pot-roasts. Students are reminded that the stomach pumps on the second floor are antiques and not suitable for general use.
15th Hagfish Day. Enjoy a full menu of Hagfish throughout the day … or go hungry, the choice is yours.
16th Department of Invisible Geographies Field Day, the bus for the field day will pick students and staff up at the side of the old coach house and leaves at 9 a.m. sharp and then again at 11:16 ish.
Note from Professor Turner, Suggestions for destinations are to be in by the 12th of September, I would remind students that Neverland, Hogwarts, Manchester and Mordor are NOT real places! …. And besides, Mordor said they don’t want us back after the last ‘incident’.
17th International Love a Sloth Day.
21st – 26th Celtic Games Week.
Outdoor events: Dwarf Throwing, Under-arm Duck Spinning and 400 yards Sheep Tossing Relay Race.
Indoor events: Shield Biting, Advance Combat Needlepoint and Inter-Dimensional Hide & Seek.
27th Rain Making Day, indoor rainmaking has been cancelled this year due to last year’s flood on the 3rd floor, students making rain on their own time are asked kindly not to do so in the dormitories as it can lead to some First Years believing they have wet their beds.
30th Old Hallows Eve Barbeque, followed by the traditional Seared Rat Eating Contest, followed by the less-traditional Projectile Retching Contest.
31st Samhain or All Hallow Evening: bonfire, costume dancing and pagan chanting.
Note from the Dean’s office: We no longer use the Wicker Man to burn peasants from the local village, not since 1564 or that one time in 1964, so please stop scaring them, also Bonfires are not to be used by staff to burn student essays (no matter how bad they are).
5th Department of Saxon Cultural Exchange invite students to their annual Time Travel Field Trip; this year’s field is the Battle of Ringmere 1010 Anno Domini. all attending Please bring a packed lunch, a clean pair of underwear (you’ll know why when it happens), and a reminder the Department will not take responsibility for anyone mutilated, murdered or molested.
12th Mouse Day.
Note from the Housemaster’s Office: Remember not all things that scurry in Botolf are rodents, so be careful when emptying traps.
18th Occult Appreciation Day. Appreciate the occult in your life (please note that voodoo should not be practiced on elderly members of staff … or by elderly members of staff).
16th The Lady Godiva Memorial Donkey Derby, participants can only partake without Pants (this year the thorn bush fence has been removed, after last year’s … unpleasantness).
19th Lavatory Repairs. Once a century the loos of Botolf need repairing, if the loo in your office/rooms is in need of repair please sign the repair sheet in the Great Hall. Repairs will include water temperature, water colour and eel removal.
27th Botolf College Maze Day, students are invited by members of the Faculty to run the college Maze, students doing this do so at their own risk and are also asked to help any students from previous Maze Days to find their way out.
Note from the Department of Fine Artefacts and Edifices: if anyone comes across Mister Blige’s 1973 ‘Women in the Renaissance’ class could they let him know as he has finally corrected their Mithras Exams.
1st Annual Apple Throwing Day
The following are all allowable targets on Annual Apple Throwing Day: each other, any members of staff from the Department of Dullard History and anyone straying onto college grounds without permission.
The following are NOT allowable targets: Members of staff from all departments (apart from the Department of Dullard History), the Dean’s car, the gardening staff, the Dean’s car, the kitchen staff, the Dean’s car, invited guests to the college and the Dean’s car.
8th Department of Quantum Heraldry present Time Travelling Tuesday (this year on a Thursday due to bad timing.)
13th The Candle Light Concert, enjoy carols as sung by the Signing Candles of the Order of Greggory, the continuously chanting monk, this year held in the Great Hall.
Note from the Department of Misunderstood Musical Memoirs: Please do not remove The Singing Candles of the Order of Greggory from their boxes and teach them heavy metal songs, this wears down their wax and makes them very, very angry.
15th Cat Herding Contest, Once again the college is festooned with stray cats, this year’s contest will be to try and round up a few thousand of the buggers and find good homes for them.
19th – 23rd Mithras Exams.
The following Departments of Botolf (almost) Oxford will hold their by-annual exams, please check with your Department for details, numbers, times and if you need to wear waterproof clothing:
Department of Imaginary Numbers
Department of Dragon Lore
Department of Misunderstood Musical Memoirs
Department of Dullard History
Department of Temporal Inconsistences
Department of Fine Artefacts and Edifices
Department of Military Failures
Department of English-Like Studies
Department of Scripts, Scribes and Scribbles
Department of Poison, Potions and Pernicious Pot-roasts
Department of Invisible Geographies
Department of Saxon Cultural Exchange
Department of Greek Illogical Thought
Department of Passive-Aggressive Weaponology
Department of Ancient Technologies
Department of Megalithic Scrutiny
Department of Medieval Thought
Department of Misappropriated Mathematics
24th Staff Feast of the Eve of Mithras, an orgy of food (that reads ‘food’ gentlemen please).
25th Mithras Day, the traditional exchange of gifts and apologies.
26th The Feast of Saint Stephen the Martyr, this revered, holy and ancient festival will take its usual form of a drinking contest.
28th Clock Fixing Day, all of the clocks in the college will be reset, some of them are very old and booby-trapped so be careful.
31st Adjusted New Year’s Eve.
*Please note that any and all events can be cancelled at a moment’s noticed (sometimes half a moment).